The first years of my twenties

For the next six years I drank my little heart out. It numbed the pain for a few years, drinking heavily until I could not feel anything, but it caught up with me very fast.

The party life became my escape when life was to unbearable. So I drank and I partied, repeating it night after night for a few years. I learned where the after hours bars where and that is when I really started taking the wrong path in life.

I started finding myself in situations I did not like because of the numbing of the pain!

When I realize that my life was spiraling out of control and was heading to a very dangerous path in life, if I did not change! I decided to pack my bags and move to Fredericton NB to work with horses.

I got a job taking care of 30 plus show horses for Rohirrim Farms. It was an Eventers barn and I learned a lot on this farm riding hot blooded thoroughbred horses.

The work was hard but it was so rewarding, I started working with a farrier pulling horse shoes for him and even had considered the carrier at one point!

Sadly money became tight, I did not have a rich family to keep me supported while I rode show horses and I did not make enough to cover my only two bills I had at the time which was cell phone and car insurance, and plus I had to buy grocers and gas with the farm allowance, which was $650.

I was going in the red so once again I picked up a second job, this time was Tim Hortons.

So my days went like this, 6 am, the boss feed the horses grain, so our alarm was the buckets banging on there stall walls, once it went quiet that was when we had to crawl out of bed and start turning out all the horses after their morning grain.

I mucked stalls out until 2pm , fast shower and then would work a 3-11 pm shift at Tim Hortons. I was young and strong and could do it! I started forgetting about the grief for a little bit. It was working, I was finding myself again.

Home was only 3 hours away but I was really homesick so I decided to pay a visit after three months into everything.

When I got home I went out with some friends for a few drinks one night and I ended up falling asleep at the table over chicken wings and beer. That's when I knew in my heart the horse farm was sadly not going to work out for me, I had to work my soul to the bone, to just find my soul. So I gave up!

When I got back to the farm I gave my notice, everyone was so bummed about me leaving! They had become like a family to me.

The trip back to Bathurst NB was bitter sweet when I moved back!

Little did I know I was actually really sliping into a depression!

That was when the depression started, I began to give up on myself, I started drinking even more heavly, partied harder.

I lost my self confidence in myself and started making poor choices.

Began a path of self sabotage! I knew I had to make a change or end up in jail or worse, end up dead!

I had a little bit of savings in my bank account so I packed up my car and headed out west!

I left my hometown of Bathurst NB in the summer of 2006.