Healing

A WARNING, disturbing content for some!

As far back in my life I can always remember having these thoughts!

It had been a build up of so many hits in life and we wont bore you to much on events in my life that happened!

The biggest struggle for me is GRIEF! I have lost so many and so much in my life!

When I was a support for so many of my family and friends I just kept putting myself aside to stay strong over the course of my life! I would fight back the tears to keep pressing forward. Keep moving forward! I had to stay rock solid for so many loved ones! It sure has taken its toll on me and I never got to properly grief.

But I describe the depression like standing in a wave at the beach. There's always another wave to brace and it keeps hitting over and over and over, harder and harder and harder! It starts to knock you off your feet cause you are to tired to deal with the last wave that just hit, You start going under and its a lot harder each time to come back up for air.

Well that is what living with depression feels like.

In 2018 I was drowning and I had to reach out for a lifeline!

That is when I found myself at the doctors clinic snapping a the receptionist cause she would not take me serious when I said, I just want to blow my brains out how about that! HELP ME!

It was so embarrassing to just FINALLY just crumble , I had to reach out in front of people so they would take me serious, Yeah I was labeled as the crazy one after that!

So I really feel for anyone who is struggling, the hardest part was coming out and admitting it!

My baby girl is what saved me!

I started seeing counselors and doctors, It was the hardest thing to talk about, the hardest thing in the world be truthful and honest! To say I AM NOT OK!

I had everything I wanted in my life, A supportive man , but he could not understand! I had horses in my life, which was a big part of my therapy for me for years growing up! But I slowly drifted away from my passion for horses and stopped riding all together!

Sadly its now been over 7 years since I last rode!

I lost myself and still to this day I am trying to find her! I get scared when I think about riding, not really sure why? Its like I am scared o find myself again because that girl was dead inside and I do not want to go back to that!

I have lost friends over it when I would tell them I was to sick to function, that I could not be there for them and it was critical to start being there for me before it was to late!

I was ok with losing certain friends, they were not really my friends anyway and was only using me! You will know who your true friends and family are when you talk about it! Some will be like glue will others will run!

But I never gave up!

I can say buy reaching out for support it has not rid of the thoughts, BUT I have learned how to push them aside now and say NO, not today!

I feel like I am not alone and it has given me the skills to cope!

Buy talking away the dark and being honest is what help me to heal!

To stop being afraid of what people think!

To stop being afraid of the stigma it comes with, yeah I am broken but I am still capable of finding the life I deserve, and so do you!

I will always struggle with mental illness, But it does not have to define who I am!

It sure also effects your self esteem and how you attack life! You always feel you will never be good enough labeled as sick and mentally unstable!

Some people will not understand and you will have so much haters because of it!

People who do not understand will always be out to hurt you!

Without reaching out for support, I do not think I could have gotten through it on my own!

So many waves hit in my life, so many! I kept getting knocked down over and over, hard on my face but I kept getting back up!

Each time stronger then before!

Some people will fear you as well and that is ok, they just do not understand, that's all!

BUT you will have a lot of friends and family who will support you!

So do not be afraid to say!

I am not OK!

Because it is OK to not be OK!

Your perfect the way you are!

And buy speaking up I am hoping someone else will have the courage to tell their story as well!